ventings.
having this way too often.
another rambly rant, this time with no effort to make it readable.
in short, just venting my feelings. will try to keep it clean, but itll still be incoherent.
and spm is coming. i dont think ill ever be prepared for it. and thats the students worse nightmare isnt it? sitting for exams without knowing crap about the question… and then panic sets in. with panic, even the questions that should be easily answered are incoherent. end result : bad results. or panic can set in even when things are seemingly goin well. one minute section of a question that is unanswerable.. and boom. there goes the calmness. there goes dreams, ambitions, plans…
but panic happens outside the exam halls as well. its the kind of panic that gets me thinking along this lines : damnnit i cant study but i need to be studying but i cant and im lazy even tho im not supposed to be lazy but somehow i cant study and nothings registering and im dumb. but i know im not dumb so what the heck is the problem with me? the problem is there is no problems so i have nothing to blame if i flunk and i know im so gonna flunk so why bother trying but thats a bad idea cuz exams are so near however i still cant study theres something seriously wrong with my head… -so on and so forth-
meanwhile, the book remains unopend, unnoticed and unread. and this can continue for hours. i have issues.
saturdays seem to be catching me unawares, leaving me with bad moods and feelings of inadequateness. and my brain does not function at all. repeat, at all. and i do seriously stupid, dangerous or just annoying and rude things. or i just dont do. anything.
i suppose its not a matter of me being dumb. its more of me-not-living-up-to-my-potential. but the funny thing is, its not really parental or peer pressure. its just this inner feeling that i should be doing more, that i should be achieving more, that i should be trying harder, that im not doin my best. that sorta thing. i dont know. but being online isnt exactly the most productive way to spend my time. i think im addicted to net. how wonderful.
“its a form of escapism isnt it? doing anything BUT what youre supposed to be doing” –> from my ex-temp-bm teacher. yep yep. thats what it is. its not good but… it happens.
-eve out-
